Emotions run a muck

"Things are never what they seem." You hear that a lot growing up and it isnt until you are a bit older and wiser that you realize that it is true. You are somewhat jaded by that time and even though you are past your past you carry with you emotional baggage that no matter how lite or how well you have managed it through the years, seems to always get heavy at the wrong times.
My husband is deploying here in what seems to be a short few days. In reality it is 16 days, but short and few all the same. I am going through these stages of deployment that I keep hearing about and even though I am now in the withdrawal phase for certain, I am also going through this uncertainty. Not about myself or even about him in general. About us. I fear that he will be over there for a year with out me and men have their needs just as everyone else does. What will he do? Or the better question is who? I go back to the three week training he had when I was pregnant and our FRG leader who specializes in starting trouble emailed me a picture of my husband on top of a female soldier. They were doing training and there were many around them in that same position so I know that thinking something would be stupid. At the time I didnt even give it a second thought. I trust my husband, and I know better and I am not one of those types of women that flinch every time a woman is near my husband.
BUT NOW. Now I am feeling protective and jealous and I cant understand what s going on with me. The same soldier in the picture with my husband is now the center of my worries. She is married too and I have spoken to her once, I even told her about the picture thing and what the FRG leader had done. She seemed just as taken back by the situation and told me she barely knows my husband. Big unit, its possible. But every thing is getting to me now and I worry about what will happen when everyone is on their side of the world for the next year. They will be working together on the other side, away from spouses and with the same needs that they have now. What do you do if y our spouse cheats while they are over seas with the military?
If a spouse does it over here it is like the world has ended. They should be exiled and stripped of any spousal priveledges and friends. Even I have been drawn into those feeling of "Oh my God, how could someone be so heartless and dishonorable to their spouse who is serving." But what if it's the soldier? What is the protocal for that? What feelings are we supose to have for that situation? And what do I do if that soldier is mine?
I love my husband with everything that is me. I trust him. I know how he feels about cheating. He wanted to kick his father out of our lives and that of our childrens when he found out he cheated on his mother. He is strongly opinionated when it comes to that. But a year is a long time. And I know how it is to work closely with someone and when you are there and away from your spouse for a year, it could be easy to forget that you are married.
Maybe this will pass as the other stages go on by. Maybe I will never have to deal with such things. I guess only time will tell.

Predeployment Countdown- 3 Weeks

I have 21 days till my dear husband leave for his year in the "where ever the hell they send him". We arent seeming to connect as we usually do. It could be the fact that I believe that I myself am pulling away from him a little. I ask myself if that is it or if its just the fact that it is getting to be "that time".
Seeing as I have a three month old, my hormones are barely getting into a rythm here and so I could just be suffering from the age old PMS. But a part of me believes that it is that I am pulling away. I seem to be throwing all my time in other stuff. Like I am in some dire need to get all my preocuppants up and running before he leaves so I can be distracted for 12 months.
Just today I have cleaned the house, planned two cakes for upcoming events, started my baking business website, made my business cards, made sure all spouses got their pics from a predeployment picture party I just threw Saturday and planned the next one for six months.
I feel like I am being distant and I dont mean to be, I dont want to be. I wish I could just crawl in his arms and never leave them. Twentyone days. It seems so close and this time its because it is so close. I know I can make it through, but this isnt gonna be easy.
I would love to lean on friends, family and church people, but friends are few and although I do have one army wife who I am close with, it leaves me wondering if one is enough. Church family isnt a word used in our home. My daughter is into church and so I am on the hunt for a church she can become a part of and maybe I can visit here and there. Family is far between. My mom lives over 40 miles south of me and my mother in law is 75 miles (about) North of me.
I am here watching my husband play on our new wii fit that we bought today. He is trying to loose 10 pounds in two weeks. I need to loose a billion, but I have a little longer to do so.
So to add to my todo list for deployment I have some projects in mind.
Project one is to clean out the garage. It isnt done from the move. I have a year to empty it and get it in working useful condition for my husband when he gets home.
Project two is to get back in tune with my spiritual routine. I am all over the place. SInce being pregnant with my son I havent practiced in about a year I would say. Its time for me to get myself in shape spiritually as well as physically, which leads me to ...
Project three. Loose weight and get in shape. Great shape. Like loose 60 pounds. I need to do so in a year so how i figure it if i loose 10 pounds a month and then six months to keep it off. That should work.
Project four is my business, get it good and going more so then it is now.
Well thats all for todays blog. Need to jump on the wii for a while and get some WE time with the husband. I have a year to blog anyway and can use the time i have left with him right. Isnt that what I should be doing. I think I am going through those stupid stages that I said I wouldnt go through. I love him so much and yet here I am pulling away. i am such an idiot